Blogging always seems to be the first thing to go when stress saps my energy, when really I should type out the thoughts here to help process things.
It's been a grim couple of months.
After a period of illness, 3 grandparents died over the course of 5 weeks.
I was lucky enough to be able to spend a good chunk of time with my maternal grandpa for the week he was on hospice at home. His last fully lucid-seeming moment was seeing his great-grandson, smiling big, and saying, "Hey! There's my little guy!" Here's hoping that Torin's presence, seeing his "heir" (his words), brought him some comfort. I know that his laughter was pretty healing for everyone who helped out that week.
My paternal grandparents had split up for several months after some events involving dementia and police, and I have some guilt for not bringing Torin to see them enough.
There had also been a lot of change in the air.
We were mulling over a change that would mean keeping the family apart for 7 months. We were considering getting a place far away. We were trying to figure out when to expand the family and by how much (hey, I'm turning 35 in a few months here, I'm no spring chicken). We were trying to figure out how I could even handle morning sickness or a baby while running after a toddler, when I can't even keep up with the house and garden as a (half-single)SAHM because of him! We were trying to figure out why our dog's behavior has been deteriorating, and why I've started to resent her. We're trying to figure out what to do with 2 of the 4 garden beds... they've been dropping rocks and are a hazard to our toddler (and the company who put them in literally said after the fact that the walls weren't meant to stay up over the years!), so he can't play out there while I work on the garden. Torin transitioned from the crib to a toddler bed, and then was weaning by himself when I wasn't ready, and then began teething.
Luckily this stuff has mostly straightened out by now, or we at least have a plan.
There's been a lot of disappointment.
I took "before" photos after I felt that my diet/exercise changes were really solidified. Really brave photos, stomach in a relaxed state, nude, unattractive lighting, hair bunned up. Underneath all the life changes (did I mention that I don't deal well with lots of change?), seeing the before photos crumpled any motivation I had. It was TOTALLY DESTROYED. Lost the recent progress I had made. Do I have to throw my fish back in the water? F*ck it, I'm keeping the fish.
If I'd stuck with the diet/fitness plan, I would have hit my goal of 100 pounds lost by June 26th. I was hugely disappointed with myself when that date passed... but have only myself to blame.
I stopped religiously attending my mommy group meetings, from about 8-11 times a month to 2-4. It feels like the faces and names I'd been starting to recognize have evaporated. I haven't been able to attend the more bonding "girls night out" meetups, because they all happen when my husband isn't here. I need to find a local babysitter that I trust, but I do not trust people with my kid easily (for good reasons), and I can't see it happening any time soon!
The garden is very unproductive, if you don't count the purslane weed. Most of my tomato seedlings, and almost all of everything else, died during a heat wave despite being on an automatic watering system. I tried 3 times to add store-bought seedlings after that, but my green thumb has turned black! The whole situation is appalling to the gardener within.
There were 3 days in there somewhere, amidst grandparent chaos, where I didn't check the garden every day. The entire crop of Black Beauty plums on the new tree went from unripe on the branches to rotting on the ground in those 3 days! I managed to save about 4 cups of over-ripe fruit, but it was quite the loss for a garden that isn't doing well.
Aquariums... egads, just one problem after another. I just want happy fish and shrimp, not a mysteriously cursed tank.
I'm incredibly disappointed with how society doesn't care for the elderly, now that I've seen it up close. My grandparents were stuck in the financial hard place of making barely too much for assistance, but making waaaaay too freaking little to afford any care (and end-of-life veteran programs take months and months to come through... so of course they're dead before any benefits happen). Trying to find a nearby place for grandma, which isn't a dirty depressing place to wait to die, which provides some care and is also actually affordable... impossible.
Politics. The news. The Orlando shooting in particular hit rather close to home, and left me a bit shaken. I'm just really, really disappointed in society in general. Watching the news has definitely negatively impacted my mood, so I should probably cut it out again.
The positives... there are some, I swear!
I've been sleeping whenever Torin sleeps, and feel like I've made up for a large chunk of my newborn sleep debt. It's left me without any refreshing personal time, but hey, sleep is sleep.
Pokemon Go has been getting me out of the house twice a day.
I finally decided to get Invisalign braces. It was going to happen sooner or later, but the longer I wait, the faster my teeth are moving out of place, to the point that it is affecting my bite, and one tooth looks grey (from shadow). It sounds like a negative, but I'm actually pretty excited about it because I've been mulling it over for 5+ years. The aligners arrive in about 2 weeks!
I successfully cut caffeine out of my diet, and feel more energetic for it.
After the double-funeral this weekend, that mysterious diet/fitness motivation which had disappeared is suddenly back. I'm starting it over, on the same plan, with Trello to help... and I'm keeping my new end date in mind, to remind me that it is completely doable and that I don't want to pass it again.
And, last week... Torin finally started calling me MOMMY! It melts my heart every time.
Here's to a new beginning.
... shuddup, I get to have as many new beginnings as I want. :P
It's been a grim couple of months.
After a period of illness, 3 grandparents died over the course of 5 weeks.
I was lucky enough to be able to spend a good chunk of time with my maternal grandpa for the week he was on hospice at home. His last fully lucid-seeming moment was seeing his great-grandson, smiling big, and saying, "Hey! There's my little guy!" Here's hoping that Torin's presence, seeing his "heir" (his words), brought him some comfort. I know that his laughter was pretty healing for everyone who helped out that week.
My paternal grandparents had split up for several months after some events involving dementia and police, and I have some guilt for not bringing Torin to see them enough.
There had also been a lot of change in the air.
We were mulling over a change that would mean keeping the family apart for 7 months. We were considering getting a place far away. We were trying to figure out when to expand the family and by how much (hey, I'm turning 35 in a few months here, I'm no spring chicken). We were trying to figure out how I could even handle morning sickness or a baby while running after a toddler, when I can't even keep up with the house and garden as a (half-single)SAHM because of him! We were trying to figure out why our dog's behavior has been deteriorating, and why I've started to resent her. We're trying to figure out what to do with 2 of the 4 garden beds... they've been dropping rocks and are a hazard to our toddler (and the company who put them in literally said after the fact that the walls weren't meant to stay up over the years!), so he can't play out there while I work on the garden. Torin transitioned from the crib to a toddler bed, and then was weaning by himself when I wasn't ready, and then began teething.
Luckily this stuff has mostly straightened out by now, or we at least have a plan.
There's been a lot of disappointment.
I took "before" photos after I felt that my diet/exercise changes were really solidified. Really brave photos, stomach in a relaxed state, nude, unattractive lighting, hair bunned up. Underneath all the life changes (did I mention that I don't deal well with lots of change?), seeing the before photos crumpled any motivation I had. It was TOTALLY DESTROYED. Lost the recent progress I had made. Do I have to throw my fish back in the water? F*ck it, I'm keeping the fish.
If I'd stuck with the diet/fitness plan, I would have hit my goal of 100 pounds lost by June 26th. I was hugely disappointed with myself when that date passed... but have only myself to blame.
I stopped religiously attending my mommy group meetings, from about 8-11 times a month to 2-4. It feels like the faces and names I'd been starting to recognize have evaporated. I haven't been able to attend the more bonding "girls night out" meetups, because they all happen when my husband isn't here. I need to find a local babysitter that I trust, but I do not trust people with my kid easily (for good reasons), and I can't see it happening any time soon!
The garden is very unproductive, if you don't count the purslane weed. Most of my tomato seedlings, and almost all of everything else, died during a heat wave despite being on an automatic watering system. I tried 3 times to add store-bought seedlings after that, but my green thumb has turned black! The whole situation is appalling to the gardener within.
There were 3 days in there somewhere, amidst grandparent chaos, where I didn't check the garden every day. The entire crop of Black Beauty plums on the new tree went from unripe on the branches to rotting on the ground in those 3 days! I managed to save about 4 cups of over-ripe fruit, but it was quite the loss for a garden that isn't doing well.
Aquariums... egads, just one problem after another. I just want happy fish and shrimp, not a mysteriously cursed tank.
I'm incredibly disappointed with how society doesn't care for the elderly, now that I've seen it up close. My grandparents were stuck in the financial hard place of making barely too much for assistance, but making waaaaay too freaking little to afford any care (and end-of-life veteran programs take months and months to come through... so of course they're dead before any benefits happen). Trying to find a nearby place for grandma, which isn't a dirty depressing place to wait to die, which provides some care and is also actually affordable... impossible.
Politics. The news. The Orlando shooting in particular hit rather close to home, and left me a bit shaken. I'm just really, really disappointed in society in general. Watching the news has definitely negatively impacted my mood, so I should probably cut it out again.
The positives... there are some, I swear!
I've been sleeping whenever Torin sleeps, and feel like I've made up for a large chunk of my newborn sleep debt. It's left me without any refreshing personal time, but hey, sleep is sleep.
Pokemon Go has been getting me out of the house twice a day.
I finally decided to get Invisalign braces. It was going to happen sooner or later, but the longer I wait, the faster my teeth are moving out of place, to the point that it is affecting my bite, and one tooth looks grey (from shadow). It sounds like a negative, but I'm actually pretty excited about it because I've been mulling it over for 5+ years. The aligners arrive in about 2 weeks!
I successfully cut caffeine out of my diet, and feel more energetic for it.
After the double-funeral this weekend, that mysterious diet/fitness motivation which had disappeared is suddenly back. I'm starting it over, on the same plan, with Trello to help... and I'm keeping my new end date in mind, to remind me that it is completely doable and that I don't want to pass it again.
And, last week... Torin finally started calling me MOMMY! It melts my heart every time.
Here's to a new beginning.
... shuddup, I get to have as many new beginnings as I want. :P
