A Social Experiment

Social Interaction Weirdness

My first single-session prenatal class was kind of an eye opener... but not for the reasons one would think.

Out of an entire room full of people, another woman and I were the only two there without our husbands.  When we had to introduce ourselves, she said that her husband was "overseas in the military" and she got nods and smiles.  I didn't really feel like speaking about my husband's job even though he was also out of the country, so when it was my turn I said he was "at work" and people looked away and down.

I dismissed it, thinking it was my imagination.  I couldn't dismiss it for long though, because once we were broken up into groups (men vs women), I noticed that none of the other women would look me in the eye.  When I was asked my occupation I said that I was currently a stay-at-home wife, and the effect was amplified.  They showed no interest in what I had to say besides that extremely minimal obviously-fake politeness that women do when they don't want to talk with you, and their body language was pointing away from me.  Once we went back to our seats I noticed that the other partnerless woman now had people sitting near her, while I had a ring of empty seats around me in an otherwise full classroom.  As an aspie, I've had to train myself to notice these indicators to gauge how a social situation is going.  The social situation was obviously going straight down the toilet, almost to the point of ostracization. 

Maybe it was just me, and I was having an "off" night... it happens, I'm totally awkward.  Maybe it was the group of ladies, and they just were drawn to the other woman for subconscious reasons.  Maybe pregnant women are randomly bitchy because they get no sleep and are in constant pain (heck, I don't blame 'em, I'm right there too).  I didn't think much of it after expressing to a friend how weird the encounter had felt.


A Normal Event

For the next 3-session class, my partner (husband or mom) was able to come to each meeting.  Everyone had a partner.  The class was average, everyone equal, nothing of note to report.


The Experiment Unfolds

This week I had a different single-session prenatal class by myself, and I decided to test things.  Again, there was one other woman in the entire class besides me who was alone.  She described her husband as "at work" and received some mumbles and shuffling of papers.  This time I said mine was "overseas" (not a lie, but the implied "military" part wasn't exactly true) and noticed commiserating smiles and tilted heads.

When we came back from break, I noticed that the other lady had a halo of empty seats around her, and I did not.  Her husband then appeared right before we broke into groups, male vs. female again.  This time, instead of being left out and feeling socially shunned, the ladies were including me, specifically asking me more questions than any one else.  When I was asked my occupation and mentioned that I was a stay-at-home wife, the effect was amplified.  I was unanimously decided to be the group leader (against my socially awkward will and polite protests, I might add), to write down the group's game results, and then also to read out the results to the guys' group.  Any dumb joke I made was met with encouraging laughter and I felt like I had a laugh track.  I had become... the life of the party? 

When the game was over, the other single lady whose husband had arrived mid-class was no longer sitting in an empty halo, no longer untouchable.



The Remaining Question

This behavior confuses me quite a bit!  A stay-at-home wife with a military husband is welcomed and encouraged and made a group leader.  A stay-at-home wife of a husband who works odd hours and can't get time off is ignored and shunned and might as well not be a part of the group.  A woman is mildly socially shunned when her "at work" husband is absent, but is then on equal standing with the group when he arrives mid-class.

As you can see, there are a few potential variables here:

• Absent husband vs. present husbands
• Long-distance husband vs local husband
• Military vs. civilian
• SAHW vs. working wife

So... WHY?  I have results from the experiment, but no real conclusion.  Humans are so difficult to understand.

The theories:

1. People feel sorry for a pregnant woman who is physically separated from her partner for longer periods of time, so they give her preferential treatment to make her feel better?
2. A military man is of higher standing than a man who works a regular job with weird hours, and this reflects on his wife's social worth?
3. It is more socially acceptable to be a pregnant SAHW of a long-distance military guy than a civilian?
4. Pregnant women are hormonal and want to take it out on others, and a single woman is an easy target... unless her husband's in the military, 'cause he's badass and might beat them up?
5. There is no excuse for an absent husband (and his wife bears the social stigma) unless he's out of the country?  
6. The area is pretty affluent, so perhaps it's easier for wealthier people to get time off work... so a local husband not able to get out of work for a prenatal class implies that the woman is poor?
7. A single-yet-married woman in a room of couples is somehow a threat to the other couples... unless her husband's out of the country?
8. People socially gravitate toward similarity, and a military SAHW is more like a couple than a civilian SAHW?

None of these actually make sense to me, because I would not shun or gravitate toward a woman in my class based on her job or her husband's job/location.  I suppose this is where my aspie brain has issues! 

Why do you think this phenomenon exists?